Cats in the Cradle
by Tcstewart22
Summary: This is my take on what happens after Jerry dies. Offers a different explanation of Andy's actions at the end of season three.
1. Chapter 1

A/N- this is my first attempt at a multi-chapter story. It won't be terribly long and I'll try to hurry with updates. This story has been rattling in my head for awhile. I apologize in advance and thanks for reading!

The morning after Jerry dies, Andy finds herself alone in her living room, curled up on her sofa in a ball. Insides feeling raw from everything that's happened in the past twenty-four hours.

She tucked Traci into her bed last night, sometime after three am. It physically hurts to think about the pain she saw in Traci's eyes.

It hurts so much that she stops thinking about Traci and starts thinking about Sam, which isn't much better.

He disappeared from the hospital at some point last night, looking shell shocked, and like...well like his best friend got stabbed and bled to death.

She tried calling him when she got home with Traci, but only got his voice mail.

She knows he's suffering right now, can't begin to imagine losing your best friend like that. It's bad enough just seeing Traci hurt from losing Jerry.

Andy feels guilty, like she needs to split her self in two; one to take care of her best friend and the other to take care of her boyfriend.

It doesn't feel right calling Sam a boyfriend when he's so much more than that.

She can't even put into words how much he means to her, how he's her whole world and if she lost him….she quickly shuts down that train of thought.

Her phone starts beeping letting her know it's going dead. Finds it on the kitchen counter where she tossed it last night after trying Sam for the third time.

Once it's plugged into the charger, she sees there are three new voice mails, listens hoping one is from Sam.

The first two are from Gail and Noelle, asking how Traci is and if she needs anything.

The third is from the hospital asking for a call back.

Andy calls the hospital assuming it has to do with Jerry and maybe they're looking for Traci or something, though she doesn't know why they would be.

She just can't imagine any other reason why they'd be calling. Has completely forgot about her visit there yesterday.

After several transfers and one long hold, a nurse comes on advising that they just wanted to let Andy know they ran the blood work on the drugs used to knock her out, and there's no long term damage.

"No long term damage" SERIOUSLY?

And yeah, Andy knows that's not what the nurse meant and she probably doesn't even know who Ross Perrick is, much less how much damage he's inflicted. How many lives ruined…

She realizes the nurse has continued talking during Andy's internal rant. She's not really paying attention until her brain latches onto one word….baby.

"I'm sorry?" Andy blurts out "what did you say?"

She wonders if she sounds like she's talking as fast outside her head as she does in it?

The nurse repeats (maybe in a little more annoyed tone this time) "I said there shouldn't be any effects on the baby either but you need to set up an appointment with your OBGYN just to make sure."

"I'm sorry?" Andy says again "baby?"

She's not even sure what the nurse is talking about anymore. Thinks maybe the woman switched conversations while Andy wasn't paying attention and she's talking about someone (anyone) else now.

She hasn't slept since waking up from the drug induced sleep, which quite frankly wasn't very restful.

"I think you have the wrong person" Andy tries, assuming (hoping) maybe they just mixed her up with another patient.

The nurse grows quite, too quite. She finally asks Andy to "just hold on one second honey." Sounding much more friendly than she was five seconds ago.

Andy's tired and frustrated and this close to hanging up on the woman.

She just doesn't have the time or energy to wait for them to get their shit together, she has enough going on today.

A minute later a different voice comes on the line. "Ms. McNally?"

"Yes" Andy answers, clearly frustrated.

"This is Dr. Patil, I did the blood work yesterday when you were brought in by the police."

Andy starts to tell her that she is in fact a police officer, but quickly decides one battle at a time.

"I'm sorry Ms. McNally, did you not know you were pregnant?" Dr. Patil asks in a low voice.

Realization is slowly creeping into Andy's consciousness, maybe they do have the right person, but, but…..but (literally all words have escaped her, probably for the first time in her life).

"Are you SURE you have the right patient?" "Maybe you mixed my test up with someone elses?!" Andy cries. (hopes, prays)

"No mam, I'm positive these are your test results" the doctor patiently replies, "But please feel free to set up an appointment with your own doctor, you'll need to anyway if you didn't know you were expecting."

OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T KNOW! DOES THIS SOUND LIKE THE VOICE OF SOMEONE WHO KNOWS?! She wants to yell, but bites her tongue instead. Enjoys feeling the pain between her teeth instead of….well, yeah.

Andy realizes she's just shaking her head back and forth and finally gets out a quick "thank you" before hanging up.

She's not sure if the doctor was going to say anything else but she knows she couldn't listen to anything else.

She stands at the kitchen counter, stiff as a rod. Stands there until her legs start to ache, until she hears movement and turns to find Traci fumbling from the bedroom.

Andy puts it out of her mind, she has to or she won't be able to function, and right now her best friend needs her.

Traci slowly makes her way to the kitchen looking every bit like one of the zombie things from that show Sam likes.

Andy puts her arms around her friend, squeezing out all other thoughts.

"What do you need, Traci?"

Traci smiles, though it never reaches her swollen red eyes.

"My mom's on her way back to town now, she called a few minutes ago." "I'm probably just gonna head home, there's a lot I need…." She suddenly stops and starts to crumble just a little, shaking her head.

Andy just keeps rubbing her back, her own tears mixing with Traci's.

Finally, after having all the comfort she can stand, Traci takes a deep breath and pulls herself together. Says she'll be ok. Dex has Leo for the rest of the week and she has her mom.

"Has her mom"…. phrases like that used to remind Andy of her own sad, pathetic childhood. Now hearing it conjures up a whole new set of worries.

She knows Traci is fiercely independent, so she just tells her to call if she needs anything. Says she'll bring dinner over later tonight for them.

Traci looks like she wants to argue but finally just looks grateful and gives Andy a tight hug.

After Traci leaves Andy's not quite sure what to do. She wanders aimlessly through her apartment like she's lost, or maybe looking for something…answers maybe.

She wants to talk to Sam, comfort him, just be there for him, but she doesn't trust herself around him yet.

She knows "guess what - I'm pregnant!" is the last thing he needs to hear right now. Plus she's not really even sure she is yet. I mean doctors make mistakes, right?

Nobody's perfect. Nobody...

She just needs to find out for certian. Why worry if she's not even pregnant.

Not that she thinks he'll be upset, just…she's not sure exactly what he'll be.

Her mind is rambling ten times faster than her mouth ever could. She finally lands on the sofa. She just needs to think this through.

Okay, say she is pregnant, that wouldn't be the end of the world would it? I mean she loves Sam, having a child with the person you love, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, is a good thing. Right?

Only she's not entirely sure Sam feels the same way. He's never told her he loves her, although he seemed pretty happy to hear it when she said it so, that's good right?

She knows he cares about her, the way he looks at her sometimes. It's written all over his face, almost like he adores her. She's actually blushed under those intense gazes before. Times like that she could swear he loves her. No man has ever looked at Andy like that.

Just the times he doesn't, the times when he flees from her bed in the mornings, or gets rattled at the thought of going away with her for a weekend. Times when he gets distant and quite, those times make her worry. Brings out all the insecurities that she isn't normally prone to.

She's giving her self a headache. Decides to just find out once and for all if there's anything to even worry about.

She makes an appointment for that afternoon. Feels kinda guilty using the drugs she was given as an excuse for an emergency appointment but she can't wait anymore. She needs to see Sam.

The exam room is cold and sterile, reminds her too much of last night and Jerry. Thinks of all the times when she was a kid taking her dad to get stitched up after a drunken fall. Nope, nothing good comes from hospitals.

She has a gynecologist but feels strangely embarrassed to go to her for this. Like she'll get a lecture on birth control or something. Feels kinda like a knocked up prom queen (not that she was ever a prom queen, or knocked up), just...anyway.

Eventually the doctor makes his way in. He's middle-aged with thinning hair and a kind smile.

For some reason Andy keeps focusing on his hair (or lack thereof), maybe to keep from having to make eye contact with him.

She doesn't know why the hell she's embarrassed. She's a grown ass woman, a woman who carries a gun for a living for goodness sake, she done nothing wrong! There's no doubt she's mature enough to have a baby. (Right?)

Finally she just gathers her courage and looks up at him.

He smiles that kind smile when he tells her "congratulations."

Maybe it's the kind, almost fatherly smile. Maybe it's the "congratulations" when she's not sure there's anything to celebrate. Whatever the reason, Andy burst into tears….


	2. Something to hold onto

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews and follows. I hope you continue to enjoy the story...**

Three days.

It's been three days since she found out she was going to have a baby. Three days since she wasn't sure if her world was ending or just beginning.

Now she knows….

There's a white throw rug at the end of Andy's bed. Was an impulse buy, mostly because of how soft the fake fur was, like petting a rabbit.

This is where she finds her self curled up now. Her bed seems too big and too small at the same time, so many memories.

Tonight her world came crumbling down around her. Because tonight was the night Sam broke her heart.

Adding insult to injury, he did it using the most ironic words ever to spill from his mouth.

"I can't be a cop and be with you" (_all you wanted was to keep being a cop and all_ _I wanted was you_).

"Maybe we can be friends again... one day" (_I've never had a friend that was a woman before_).

Sam, who was always quick to offer her a ride, had left her in the pouring rain to walk home alone.

For some reason that hurt more than any of the words he used.

He had always been very protective of her, even before they were a couple. Offered her rides home from the beginning because he didn't like the idea of her walking alone.

It feels like he really and truly doesn't care what happens to her now.

Andy knows she's feeling sorry for herself, but if ever there was a time for a fucking pity part this is it. I mean knocked up and dumped, what else is she to do?

Decides to pull a scarlet and think about it tomorrow. The sad and weariness having seeped into her bones.

She pulls a blanket from the bed and wraps her self up on the rug. As she falls asleep, it's Sam's arms she imagines wrapping tight around her.

Andy drags her self to work the next morning.

She slept though the night, never waking once, but you couldn't prove it by the way she feels and probably looks (she was careful not to pass a mirror).

All morning she's been thinking of how to tell Sam about the baby.

She had put off telling him until after the funeral. But now she's back to being afraid to tell him at all, but for entirely different reasons.

She's scared if she tells him now he'll feel obligated to be with her, which she doesn't want. Will not use a child as a way to hold him to her.

Part of her thinks (hopes) that he is just grieving, in his own way. She can see how messed up this has him, and rightfully so.

Tried to tell him that last night. Begged him not to throw them away because of the pain he's in now.

Still, she's praying that maybe if she gives him enough time, he'll realize he does love her and they can work this out.

Maybe it'll even be a happy surprise when she tells him about the baby. Maybe…

When she walks into parade her eyes automatically seek him out. He briefly looks her way before turning back with a solemn expression.

As she takes her seat she cannot get used to him not looking at her.

Even when he's been upset with her in the past, his eyes would seek her out, probably against his will. But it let her know that everything would be okay, eventually.

She's beginning to think maybe that's not the case this time.

As Andy makes her way to the squad car, she has to pass Sam and Chris, talking with another officer.

When Sam glances her way, she looks down and speeds up her pace. She just can't take him turning away again.

She almost makes it to the car when she hears him call out "McNally, how you doing?" and jogs over.

Her chest swells a little but she tries to rein it in.

This is the first time in over a week that's he's came to her, instead of avoiding her, or saying as few words as possible to get away from her.

She looks at him carefully…waiting.

With a nervous smile, he tells her he needs to talk to her about something.

For all the things she thought she was prepared to hear, Sam asking for his keys back was not one of them.

She feels like she's just been punched in the gut. (You know the one he's so fond of listening to, the one that told him to get rid of her - sometimes she hates his gut.)

Andy tells him she'll go get them but he casually replies; "it can wait, no hurry."

No hurry….

No hurry to what, get his keys back or shatter any hope she had remaining?

As stupid as it seems, she always felt his keys held a deeper meaning.

That maybe he offered them as tangible proof that he really did love her.

He couldn't say the words to her, so he showed her, by giving her the keys to something she knew he loved… his truck.

To take them back now feels like he just severed any remaining bond they may have shared.

No longer partners (he refuses to ride with her), no longer lovers, not even friends.

It's late that night when she allows her self to think about the horrible shift she just endured.

All day he treated her worse than he did when she actually was a rookie.

He second-guessed every decision she made, and barked orders in way he never had before, at least not to her.

Even when he was her T.O. and it was his job to train her, he was still respectful of her.

Adds his respect to her growing list of things lost.

What's the tally on things lost so far….partners, lovers, friends, respect, and of course Jerry… always Jerry.

That's a lot to lose in just under a week. But hey, all is not lost... she still has his baby, she thinks dismally.

She knows she could wallow in self-pity for all eternity if she chose to, but who has time for that, she has a baby to grow.

An innocent baby...a baby that despite their current circumstances, was made in love.

Surprisingly, thinking about the baby growing inside her, begins to lift her spirits.

Honestly, she hasn't given any real thought to the child.

Too worried about how to tell Sam and how he would react to give any meaningful thought to what it all meant.

She leans back against her bed and starts to think about the baby.

God he will be beautiful! With Sam's deep dark eyes and dimples.

And no, she doesn't want to give any thought as to why she's calling it a "he" other than "it" sounds heartless.

And well…a son would be nice wouldn't it? All men want a son.

She's getting off track again.

That night as she drifts off, it's with visions of a dark haired infant nestled against her.

She doesn't even realize that it's Sam's imaginary arms wrapped around her that helps lull her to sleep.

Five and half weeks have passed.

And in that time Andy has done a pretty good job of putting her life back together.

She's come to terms with the baby and how her life is changing, is actually really beginning to look forward to it.

She even bought a baby blanket the other day, blue with little gray elephants on it.

She's been sleeping with it every night (you know, just to break it in for the baby).

Andy has yet to share her pregnancy with anyone.

She knows Sam has to be first.

She's just trying to give him enough time. Or maybe herself enough time, she's not sure anymore, it's all very confusing.

But she knows the time is getting close. Mostly because she's has to tell Frank and then everyone will know.

She can't keep working the streets, will not put their baby in danger. She's being so, so careful as it is.

It's a wonder someone hasn't noticed she's not as gung-ho as usual. Then again everyone has a lot going on right now, so it's probably just as well.

Although, she wishes she could tell Traci. She needs her friend's input but feels too guilty to ask for it.

As strong as Traci is, she can see the toll it's taking on her, the need to be strong when you're breaking inside (just like Sam). She refuses to add more to her load.

Andy's also made her peace regarding Sam.

Understands they won't be a couple, it's obviously not what he wants, and she's learning to accept it.

But they can still be good parents together. Andy has no doubt he'll be a wonderful father.

Knows he's too good of a man to walk away from his own child, so they'll do the best they can.

Raise their child together, but apart.

Not ideal, but she knows the baby will be loved, by them both. That's really all that matters.

Sam's attitude toward her is starting to change too.

He smiles at her now instead of looking away.

He's even attempted conversations with her a couple of times, asking how she was, smiling that dimpled smile.

Andy won't lie and say she doesn't miss him every single day.

She still cries sometimes, when something reminds her of how happy they were, or at least how happy she thought they were.

She found an old glove, one he thought he had lost, the other night. Fell asleep crying with it pressed against her cheek and the baby blanket clutched tightly in her hand.

And though she would never, ever admit it aloud, she still can't fall asleep unless she imagines Sam holding her.

So she decides to just rip the Band-Aid off. Tomorrow's the day.

She will tell Sam tomorrow that they're going to have a baby.

She smiles, thinking who knows maybe it'll even be a good surprise, as she feels Sam's arms wrap tightly around her.


	3. Numb

Andy was once again curled up on the soft white rug, the irony of being in the fetal position, escaping her.

She had wanted to crawl into her nice warm bed and hide under the covers, her body feeling pain in every possible part, especially her heart.

But when she threw the covers back, she was accosted with the blood and memories from that morning, so she collapsed on the rug instead.

"An act of nature" is what the doctor told her. Nothing she could have done to prevent it. "This happens sometimes early in a pregnancy" he said. "Don't let it stop you from trying again."

But Andy knows the real reason.

This was just the universe's way of letting her know she was not meant to be a mother. I mean what kind of mother could she even be, having never had much of one herself.

(Now if she could give to a birth to a forty year old alcoholic she'd be in business).

For the first time in a really long time, since maybe her mom left, Andy felt numb… and it was the one thing she was grateful for.

That... and that she never told Sam about the baby.

She had intended to tell him yesterday, but there was a bank robbery, and all the detectives were called to the scene for the remainder of the day.

He still wasn't back when she got off duty, so she went home instead, figuring tomorrow was as good as today. Thought maybe she wasn't meant to tell him yet.

Turns out she was right….

She can't imagine having to tell him she let their child die.

She knows what he would say; wasn't your fault, beyond your control…. Because he's a good guy and that's what good guys say.

But he would know… Just like he knew with Jerry, and he would blame her, even if he never said it out loud.

Sure he told her he didn't really blame her for Jerry's death but deep down she knows he wouldn't have said it unless a part of him believed it.

She can't bear the guilt of taking Sam's child away from him too. Knows now that she really doesn't deserve him, maybe she never did.

She loves him, always will, but decides nothing good will ever come from telling him. This is a burden she will carry alone.

She doesn't remember falling asleep, only remembers that she never felt Sam's arms wrap around her.

Over the next few days she does everything through a haze. Never remembering any of it.

She had taken a few days off work, told Frank she had the flu. At least when she comes back looking fragile and pale, there will be an excuse already in place.

The nice thing about being numb is that the curious glances and concerned whispers no longer bother her… nothing bothers her.

You see the upside to losing everything – is there's nothing left to lose.

She feels like a casual observer. Seeing everything from a distance, feeling none of it.

Luckily for her the only two people that know her well enough to worry, are so overcome with their own pain, that they don't really notice…at first.

She had spent the day in the rain working traffic accidents. Apparently Toronto was getting a surprise monsoon season.

It had been raining for a solid week, every day since… well since... She wonders if maybe there's a connection?

Maybe God in his heaven was crying for her lost child since she seemed incapable of shedding any more tears.

She didn't shower at the end of shift, she was just going to get wet again anyway walking home.

Andy had gotten so use to blocking everyone and everything out that she didn't hear him call her name.

Didn't hear anything until she felt a hand grab at her arm, as she passed his truck.

"Hey" Sam said, with a concerned look, getting soaking wet himself. He pulled her toward the passenger door "Get in" he said as he pushed her toward the seat and shut the door.

Andy sighed, not really wanting a ride but not up for arguing about it either.

He jumped in the truck and turned on the heat. "Are you still sick?" he asks hesitantly "You don't look so good."

"Andy?"

She turns toward him, "what?" she asks using a tone that sounded like he disturbed her.

He looks like he's been talking to her for awhile, maybe before she heard her name, but she got caught up watching a streak of lightning.

The smallest things attract her attention lately.

Yesterday she spent over an hour watching the wind blow through a tree out her bedroom window, before falling into a dreamless sleep, again with no help from imaginary Sam.

He doesn't repeat himself, just keeps looking at her with concern in his eyes, until the light turns green.

The rest of the ride is quiet, with Andy looking out the window, and Sam throwing careful glances her way.

Instead of pulling up in front of her building to let her out, he parks and turns the ignition off.

She starts to get out anyway but he holds her back with a touch of his hand.

"I uh…wanted to asks how you were doing?" "If you need anything?" He stammers out; looking guilty when he says it, like maybe it's his fault she's sick.

Andy just stares at him, wants to tell him none of this is his fault. Wants to tell him she loves him and she's so, so sorry for everything.

It's just that she hasn't the energy. It takes all the strength she has just to get though the each day.

Plus her telling him anything at this point would only serve to hurt him and she's hurt him enough for one lifetime.

She smiles and says she's fine, just still tired from the flu.

She starts to open the truck door again when he puts his hand on her knee - she freezes just staring at his hand.

Sam looks like he wants to say something, like maybe he doesn't believe her excuse and wants to call her on it, but in the end he just smiles and says "Well, take care of yourself." "I'll uh… see you tomorrow - call me if you need a ride in the morning."

Andy gets out of the truck, muttering "See ya", her voice barely a whisper as the door slams shut.

Sam knows he won't get a call for a ride.

It's two days later that Sam tells her he loves her while she's holding a grenade.

When Andy looks up at him she knows she should be feeling something. After all, she has been waiting for that particular statement for a long, long time.

Unfortunately, for them both, his declaration couldn't have come at a worse time.

She doesn't know what to say so she just looks at him and says "Sam, I'm holding a bomb."

He covers her hands with his own, "So am I."

Andy knows that if she weren't watching the scene unfold from a distance she would be so over-joyed right now, assuming they didn't blow up.

But she honest to God has nothing left in her to give him.

It's later that night after shift, when he corners her as she's leaving the barn...

Sam tells her the most wonderful things. Things, that a month ago would have melted her heart.

But not now…

Now she has no heart, lost it along with her unborn child.

So when he asks her to meet him for a drink, she doesn't say no, can't stand the pleading look in his eyes. She just looks at him and shrugs. Knowing she won't go.

When Luke stops her and offers her a way out she doesn't hesitate. She needs to get away from Sam, from the hurt, from everything.

As Andy leaves her old life behind, she stares out the window of Blackstone's car, watching the snow fall…feeling nothing but…numb.

**A/N: I'm very sorry if this story was misleading. I tried to give clues in the summary. This was my explanation as to why Andy went UC after Sam said I love you. (I mean who could walk away after that!) I figured she needed a really good reason and this was what I came up with. **

**Sorry for all the angst. I'm finishing up a fluffy piece with Sam and his newborn daughter as a peace offering. **

**Thanks to slm37 for proofing and feedback. I'll dedicate the fluffy piece to you :)**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**Crystal**


	4. Healing

In the six months since Andy had left Toronto, she had been able to come to terms (or at least better terms) with the miscarriage.

The first month had been the hardest. She was an idiot to think she could do this assignment in the state her head was in.

She had spent the first two weeks exactly like the weeks prior to leaving home, just going through the motions... at least until Nick called her on it.

Andy assumed he thought she was still reeling from the break up with Sam and that accounted for the sadness and why she seemed a little haunted at times. And she was more than happy to let him continue with that train of thought.

Until the night he told her she needed to get over it. That it was just a break-up and regardless of whether she still loved him or not, they had a job to do and Sam would be there when they got back.

She really couldn't argue with him - even if his facts were a bit off. They did have a job to do and she refused to be responsible for another officers death, Jerry still fresh in her mind. "Have your partner's back" was instilled deep inside her and Nick was her current partner. So she would buck up and do what needed to be done.

Andy and Nick had grown closer over the last six months. She had started thinking of him kinda like a brother, the way she thought of Chris and Dov.

Nick was funny and sweet and for the most part good company, though he had an absurd fondness for pickles. They had at least nine different jars in the fridge at any given time. She had to admit it was a little odd and it made the whole house smell like a Jewish deli.

Plus pickles reminded Andy of pregnancy, even though she had never made it to that particular stage. But still, you think of pickles - you think of pregnant women. The point being she would just rather not be surrounded by pickles all the damn time!

After deciding not to tell Sam about the baby, she had promised herself she wouldn't tell anyone, not even Traci. The thought of telling Nick had never even crossed her mind, but as usual the universe had different plans.

Two months into it - after weeks of throwing herself, heart and soul, into the job at hand - everything came crashing down.

They had been at a party with the guys Nick was working for, trying to get in good with the boss, when the boss's girlfriend had showed up with a tiny little bundle of joy in her arms.

He was gorgeous, about six months old, with the most beautiful black hair and big brown eyes. Andy couldn't take her eyes off of the child. It didn't help that the kid kept throwing her heartbreaking smiles. She couldn't decide if the dimples were real or imagined.

In the end it didn't really matter, because Andy (doing what she did best) took off, running from the house like something was after her – maybe it was.

Ran the entire way back to the house she had Nick were renting, three miles without slowing once.

By the time she reached the bathroom, Andy was out of breath and in tears. Trying so hard to focus on the pain in her side to distract from the pain in her heart.

Which is how Nick found her a few minutes later. He debated about knocking the bathroom door in - he could hear her crying though, figured it would be safe to wait her out.

Nick knew by looking at her that it was more than a break-up, he had never seen anyone look so broken. He was very gentle when he sat her down and made her look him in the eyes, pleading with her to tell him what was wrong.

Finally she did, everything spilling out fast and all at once. Nick just sat, rubbing her back, waiting for the tears to subside. He kept repeating over and over that it would be okay, mostly because he didn't know what else to say.

They talked for hours, the subject becoming less and less painful as the night wore on.

She made him promise to keep it to himself. Went so far as to make him swear on a bible. She was beyond serious about not wanting Sam to find out.

Nick agreed, even humoring her by placing his hand on the bible and swearing. He did however try, more than a few times, to get her to reconsider telling Sam. Felt he had a right to know regardless of the outcome.

But if McNally's were anything (aside from drunks and runners, and the occasional moonshiners; I mean if you believed the family history- which would fit with the drinking and running- so yeah probably true) they were stubborn. And Andy had made up her mind that Sam would never know.

She wasn't keeping it from him out of spite or to be a martyr, she just didn't want him to have to endure the pain she did (does) everyday.

Though it was getting better, she still thought of "what could have been" every single day.

She still imagined what their baby would have looked like, seeing smiling eyes and tiny fingers wrapped around her own.

But over-all she is healing. The tears don't come as often as before. She's beginning to think of the future a little more than the past.

Mostly what she thinks about is Sam.

She replays his "I love you" on a continuous loop in her head. Of all the things she wishes she could do over, the night he told her he wanted to try again, ranks first.

She knows that honestly she was in no shape to meet him that night. She's needed this time away to get herself back together. But she would do anything not to have left him under those circumstances.

She worries that by not meeting him, he would take it as a statement of her not returning his feelings, which couldn't be further from the truth. But she understands how he might think it.

More than once she's thought of calling or getting a message to him somehow, just to let him know that she does love him, and she will do whatever it takes to come home to him.

But she's already blown two UC opps and she really, really doesn't want a rep for being a fuck up. So she bides her time and impatiently waits for this mess to be over.

The only good thing to come from these six months away him, is she now knows exactly what she wants and what she wants is Sam Swarek.

Maybe they'll even get a second shot at making a baby, not anytime soon of course, but she can't help but be a little wistful thinking about it.

Then one day, without notice, the job was over. Ending a little un-dramatically in Andy's opinion. She was expecting a sea of cops, swat teams, helicopters overhead.

But in the end it was very uneventful.

Blackstone and his officers came one evening; arrest warrants in hand. She was waiting in the parking lot to pick up Nick after his shift.

Apparently with the Intel Andy and Nick had been feeding Blackstone they had enough, and just like that it was over.

After the longest six months of her life... Andy was going home.


	5. Everything Old is New Again

**A/N: From this point forward the story will be completely AU (however, Sam will be a detective - fits with what I have in mind). I hadn't intended to continue after chapter 3 but now that I am I'm going in a different direction.**

** No worries- happy endings are coming :)**

**FYI: The part about the autopsies is true. The first one I ever witnessed the doctor told me that your nose basically gets tired because the odor is so strong that it stops smelling (to a degree). But if you leave the room in the middle then come back - the smell will knock you down! Moral of the story - if you ever witness an autopsy - don't leave until it's completely over ;)**

**Happy reading and as always thanks for the reviews!**

Sam had made a lot of changes in the last six months. Cut out caffeine and sugar. Started running (and he hated running – only did it in the past right before the annual re-qualifying).

Then there was the biggest change - he became a detective. It wasn't anything he had ever thought of doing or even wanted really. Frank had come to him, a couple of weeks after McNally left, and told Sam he would like for him to consider taking the test for detective. Thought it would be good for him. Sam figured 'what the hell' and six months later…here he is.

Not that he doesn't enjoy his new position; it came with more perks than he would have thought. He was more free to a degree - not bound to a partner. Well he and Nash were partners, but it was different. They work separately as much as they work together; kinda do their own thing.

Plus they worked really well together; complimented each other. Where he was sometimes rash and stubborn – Nash was patient and open minded. And most importantly - he didn't worry about her every damn minute of every day, which took a huge weight off his shoulders (one that he admittedly put there himself).

Sam also felt it was a way to honor Jerry. By taking his best friend's position, he could ensure that cases would be as thoroughly worked, as when Jerry himself worked them. Plus he figured Jerry would want him to keep an eye on Nash; make sure she took care of herself and such.

But the best perk of this job was it took his mind off Andy. He wasn't in a patrol car, constantly glancing to his right, where his partner would (should) have been. He could throw himself into learning everything there was about being a great detective, never being reminded of what he lost (ok, he was reminded all the fucking time – not the point). It was a good change is all he's saying.

Sam still thought of Andy everyday - but it had become a hollow ache, instead of a searing pain that cut to the bone. He knew, when he had told her that he loved her, that he was taking a chance. After everything that happened he expected her to be pissed at him - figured he would have to work pretty hard to get her back. But he never dreamed she would up and disappear.

Which, yeah that was stupid on his part - not like she hadn't done it to him before. He was just so sure that by telling Andy his true feelings that it would make some sort of a difference. That it may at least soften her anger enough where they could start to mend bridges.

In retrospect he thinks he probably should have expected her to take off. It had been his biggest fear since she got back from Temagami, or where ever the hell she went after Brennan was done with him.

He sorta figured she would eventually come to her senses and leave him for good. It's the main reason he had kept his distance when they first got together - so when the inevitable happened he would be semi prepared for it. Turns out he'll never be prepared for Andy walking away from him.

He knows he walked away first. He was just so messed up and confused after Jerry died, he didn't know whether he was coming or going – but he also knows that's no excuse.

The thing is he could have prevented it - Jerry's death. He should have had his brother's back. But instead he was following his girlfriend on a wild goose chase.

He knows it wasn't Andy's fault - she was just doing what she always did, what he taught her to do - following her gut. But after the preceding night - what with Peck getting kidnapped and Andy being drugged and knocked out – her gut was running on exhaust fumes and spinning out of control. He should have taken the lead and listened to Jerry. Sam knows the blame lies solely with him.

He's tried really hard to get over any anger he feels toward Andy for leaving. It's just that he really does…did… DID… love her and she obviously didn't feel the same way or she wouldn't have left – it's as simple as that.

So he moved on with his life. Learned his lessons and thanked God for his gift of compartmentalizing. Andy didn't love him, didn't need him – and that's just great because he doesn't need her either. He doesn't! He doesn't… he doesn't… he doesn't…

So Sam would have thought he would be prepared for when she came back - was certain that he was.

He was so wrong…

Andy had been back a little over a week. Had taken care of all the necessary requirements – debriefings, paperwork, plus an interesting meeting with the department shrink (who wants to see her again - Andy may have rambled on about a few things she shouldn't have…it was the damn couch that did her in).

She also spent the week working on getting her apartment back in order and let me tell you – leaving your home for six months does loads of damage. Aside from the expected dust and grime over everything (her father came once a week and took care of mail and such but dusting was not his forte- heck he didn't even clean his own house – thank god for Amy), there was a distinct smell now - where before there wasn't.

Cat pee! That's what the smell was. And OH MY GOD was it strong! Weird too because Andy didn't have a cat and the building had a no pet policy. But Andy could swear that a herd, litter… whatever the hell they're called – a throng of cats had somehow gotten in and sprayed everything with urine, at least it smelled like they had.

Traci even remarked on it when Andy invited her over (and no, she doesn't know why she invited her to the cat's lair, except she had remarkably kinda gotten used to the smell – at least until someone pointed it out).

Andy thinks it may be like the smell that accompanies autopsies – which thankfully she only had to endure once – the odor is just so strong that your nose actually gets tired and stops smelling it (at least that's the way the forensic ME had explained it to her – and she figures it's as good an explanation as any).

She was so glad to see Traci - looking healthy, content, and maybe even a little bit happy. Not completely there yet... but at least she was heading in the right direction.

Andy didn't want to interrogate her friend about Sam so she bit her tongue and waited for any crumbs she might let slip. Pretty much all she got was Sam had made detective (wow) and seemed to be doing well and appeared happy (huh…). Not that Andy thought he was pining away for her but… well she's not sure what she thought.

She decides not to call Sam right away, wants to settle back in just a little. Plus he hasn't tried to call her either… not that she expected him too - but still.

In the end she decides maybe the best thing to do would be to wait until she goes back to work - feel him up a little…OUT…she meant out! Geez, she's starting to think maybe her body is being taken over by a seventeen-year old guy.

Yet another reason to postpone seeing him, she's not real sure where her mind is these days (actually she knows exactly where her mind is – in the gutter). But she doesn't want a repeat of the night of the blackout, where she just shoves him up against a wall and… actually a repeat of the blackout doesn't sound so bad…

Ok, seriously she has got to stop doing this!

Andy has prepared a dozen different scenarios of "running into" Sam for the first time – covered every possible situation. Even planned out what she would say and how she would react in each circumstance - made a chart and everything.

So on her first day back, walking through the parking lot on a beautiful sunny morning, she should have been prepared when she passed his truck… right as he was hopping out…right?

WRONG!


	6. Glances

**A/N: Please don't fret about the new girl. It wouldn't be any fun if we made it too easy for them. But I promise this will be NOTHING like season 4. You have my word.**

**As always thank you so much for the reviews and follows. So glad everyone is enjoying the story. **

Sam jumped out of the truck and came face to face with an awe struck Andy. He thought he had let go of the anger he felt toward her for leaving until it slammed into him at warp speed.

She was standing so close he could reach out and touch her and all Sam can think is how amazing she looks - I mean you wouldn't even know she had been undercover. Every time he had come back from being under he always looked thin and haggard. What the hell were they doing for six months?! His thoughts are getting away from him so he tries to push them away and say something.

"Hey" is what he comes up with and then continues staring at her.

But Andy just keeps throwing him that million-dollar smile. "Heyyy. Wow, I didn't expect to see you so soon. How are you? I heard you made detective! That's really great! Good for you!" It kinda all comes out as one long sentence.

Sam can't help the smile his treacherous lips are forming…God he's missed her rambling. He knows he's pretty much just grinning at her at this point but can't help it. The harder he tries to rein in the smile the more it spreads. He didn't catch most of what she said – was too busy looking at her instead but he latches on to detective.

"Uh…yeah thanks. Thought it was time for a change you know?"

Andy keeps shaking her head and smiling like a lunatic. Which is when Oliver slips up behind them.

"McNally! Great to have you back. You missed me didn't you?" He goes in for a hug then notices Sam standing by his truck. Oliver pulls back after a minute and nods toward the station, "Well I'll see ya inside" pats her arm as he starts to walk toward the door but turns to finds Sam walking right along side him.

Sam looks over his shoulder as he walks away "Catch you later McNally – and welcome back."

Once inside the locker room Oliver wants to know what that was all about. "You ran from her Sam, you actually ran."

"I didn't run. I was walking beside you and you don't run". He smirks as he says it.

Oliver keeps looking at him with an un-amused face.

"Look, we talked ok? But we didn't need to keep standing in the parking lot all morning. She doesn't need to be late for her first day back in six months."

Oliver nods with a smirk of his own "Of course, of course…you walked away _for_ her. You're a very noble man Sammy. Sometimes I forget that. Always looking out for others, nary a thought for your self. I'm gonna start calling you Saint Sammy."

Sam knows his temper's shorter than usual today and this isn't helping, so he heads out of the locker room. "I'm gonna start calling you something too and it won't be Oliver." He doesn't elaborate just let's the door swing shut behind him. He's getting a headache and shift hasn't even started yet. Damn! Why wasn't he better prepared for today?

Andy walks in slowly behind Sam and Oliver. They never turn back around just head straight for the locker room. She was a little disappointed they didn't really get a chance to talk. Not that it was going that great or anything. He looked a little shocked when he first saw her but was at least smiling toward the end. Then again he certainly high-tailed it at the first opportunity.

She walks to her locker and opens it... then just sits down. She feels a little melancholy being back in here. For only being gone six months it feels like an eternity, like so much has changed she's not sure she fits anymore. She misses when she, Traci, and Gail would meet in here during the early days. Change into their uniforms together and head to parade (ok her memory may be a little off…usually she ran to parade by herself cause she was chronically late – but that's not really the point …she wasn't alone is all).

Andy spends so much time reminiscing about the past that she actually has to run to parade (so apparently some things haven't changed). She finds an empty seat next to Nick and sits, glancing around for familiar faces. Sees Chris and Dov sitting across the room. Then spots Traci in the back next to Sam and Oliver, who are animatedly whispering to each other. Finally she sees Sam roll his eyes and move to the other side of Traci away from Oliver. Which is when Andy notices the petite blond come in and stand, much too close in Andy's opinion, right next to Sam.

Before she can get too involved in the scene playing out in the back she hears Best call out "Good Morning!" Nick nudges her and she spins back around. Frank welcomes them back with a "Job well done". She doesn't hear anything else said, focusing on trying not to turn toward the back again. Finally Nick stands and looks down at her.

"You ready?" Nick raises his eyebrows.

"Uh…yeah. Sure." Andy has no idea what for but won't admit it. "Let me just grab my bag."

Nick laughs, "You won't need your bag on the front desk, which is where we'll be today." Gives her a look like he knows she wasn't listening.

"Yeah I meant coffee. Let me just grab a cup of coffee. You want one?" she's already on her way out the door not waiting for a reply.

As Andy makes her way to the coffee station she tries and fails to subtly look into the detective's office. She hears snickering and turns to find Oliver covering his mouth and pretending to cough. She glares at him and heads into the break room with Oliver following right behind.

"So, how does it feel to be back?" Oliver starts making his coffee and holds a cup out to her.

"Great!" she really needs to lay off the enthusiasm. Andy can't for the life of her think of a way to asks who the blond is without being obvious and doesn't want Oliver blabbing to Sam, so she stays quiet.

Of course Oliver's always been sharper than he looks.

"Have you met Lindsey yet?" his eyebrows raised high and aimed at her.

"Um…Lindsey? No…no, who's Lindsey? She's equal parts relieved and irritated that he knows her so well.

"New detective, just transferred in from twenty-seven."

Andy's trying to be careful with her questions – she only has like a million. (Is she married? Boyfriend? How long has she been here? _Why the hell was she standing so close to Sam?)_

She settles on, "How long has she been here?"

"Just a week...doesn't really know anyone yet." Oliver gives her a sincere smile. "Well I'm gonna head out, I leave Epstein alone for too long and he may trade our squad car for magic beans or something."

"Thanks Oliver…I really did miss you." She gives him a hug as she walks past and heads toward the front desk.

Nick has already relieved the night officers by the time Andy takes a seat beside him (without any coffee). She completely misses his smirk as she tries once again to see into the detective's office from this vantage point.

"How about I go get us some coffee?" Nick gleefully announces.

"Yeah sure great" she's missing all kinds of sarcasm today. Just keeps looking into the upstairs window as Nick walks away laughing.

She finally catches (though she wasn't trying to) Traci's eye. Traci smiles and comes down to the front desk.

"Hey, how's your first day back going?" Traci can't help but notice how fidgety Andy is and how she keeps looking past her then darting her eyes back.

"Great, it's going great!" where's a freaking thesaurus when you need one. Apparently great is the only word in her vocabulary today. She sighs and looks back to Traci and bites the bullet.

"Heard you guys had a new detective – how's she working out?"

Finally the light bulb above Traci's head clicks on.

Traci smiles, "She's good…kinda green. We're taking turns showing her the ropes. Swarek's a little under the weather though, so I've got her today. I'll introduce you later."

"Oh, okay. Yeah sure…she ah…she looks nice." Andy mentally slaps her forehead…idiot.

Traci just laughs and says she better get back and maybe they can catch up during lunch.

Nick returns with the coffee as Traci's leaving. "So who's the blond with Swarek?"

Andy jumps out of chair and sends it crashing into the desk. She spins toward the detective's office but only sees Traci talking with Lindsey - Sam nowhere in sight.

Nick burst out laughing, "Busted!"

She smacks him across the back of the head and hisses "Shut up! And her name in Lindsey, she transferred from twenty-seven last week."

"Oh, okay. So _have_ you seen Swarek yet?" Nick asks as he pushes her coffee towards her.

"Yes, he was at parade this morning." Andy gives him a syrupy sweet smile.

"You know what I mean, Andy. Have you talked to him since we got back?"

No, I've been busy. Shrink visits, making my apartment livable again. You know…." She trails off waving her hand.

"No I don't know, I've managed to see Gail…wait what do you mean shrink visits? We only had to go once." He gives her a concerned look, which only manages to piss her off.

"I meant visit…it was just a long one." No way is she telling him she's already had to go twice. "Look I'm gonna talk to Sam, I just haven't had a chance yet." She switches gears, "How's Gail? I'm sure she was happy to see you."

"Oh yeah, you know Gail…she burst into tears and threw herself into my arms."

Even Andy catches the sarcasm this time. She smiles at him, "Give her time, it's Gail after all."

Thankfully they keep busy the rest of the morning. Andy still couldn't help throwing occasional glances upstairs, especially after Sam returned. She also couldn't help but notice that every time she looked up - he was looking right back at her.

**Up next...an awesomely awkward lunch :)**


	7. Games people play

**A/N: This chapter is a little longer. We're going away for a few days for my birthday so it may be a week before I can update again. Hope this helps. **

**Thanks for reading! **

**I also really appreciate the reviews. Knowing people are reading and enjoying helps keep me motivated to write.**

Sam had spent the last two hours typing case notes while trying to ignore the glances Andy kept casting (to say nothing of the ones he was casting himself). At one point he looked to his left and straight into Andy's eyes only to turn around and find himself looking right into Lindsey's (apparently no where was safe).

He quickly turned his attention back to his computer screen as Nash came in.

"We were about to head to lunch - you want to join us?" Traci looked at him as she reached for her purse.

"Who's we?"

Honestly he wasn't really in the mood for company, but he could tell that Lindsey was itching to start a conversation with him about god only knows what, and he was afraid in the mood he was in he may hurt her feelings – albeit accidently. (At least with Nash, she could sense when he didn't want to talk and left him alone.)

"Me and Lindsey….maybe Andy." Nash let the words trail off - her face giving away nothing.

"Maybe? You're leaving now - how do you not know?" Man he was irritable today. Lunch was probably a very bad idea.

The thing about attitude was Nash could give as good as she got. With a hand on her hip and an eyebrow cocked, she replied slowly and with a look he's was quickly becoming familiar with, "Okay… Myself, Lindsey, and Andy." Basically she was throwing him a challenge.

He was a grown man, much to old for this schoolyard shit. He knew Nash was daring him and he wished he were above it.

"Yeah ok… where you going? I'll meet you there."

But sadly he wasn't - very bad idea indeed.

Andy waited at the front desk, trying to ignore the looks Nick was tossing her way. She knew he wanted to tag along, (if only for the entertainment value) but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of enjoying her discomfort.

She couldn't help but feel a little… uncomfortable about Lindsey. She saw the way the woman and been looking at Sam all morning - like a freaking piece of candy (hypocrisy not withstanding). She wanted to feel her out over lunch and she didn't need Nick breathing down her neck while she did it.

Traci had needed to make a couple of stops along the way so they were a few minutes late getting to the restaurant, a small family place that had been around for about twenty-five years.

When they walked in Sam was already seated at a booth in the back. Andy shot Traci a surprised glance, which Traci politely ignored as they walked over.

Even more surprising than finding Sam waiting for them was the way Lindsey hurried over to share his side of the booth. Traci actually did exchange a look with her this time.

Once everyone was seated and the menus handed out, it got very quiet.

Andy's plan of interrogating…uh getting to know….Lindsey was shot to hell by Sam's presence. She wasn't sure what to say to her now, so she occupied herself by looking at the menu, which she memorized years ago, and sipping her water.

Leave it to Lindsey to actually break the quiet…of course it wasn't directed at her.

"Hey Sam, what do you usually get? I've never been here before." When he didn't answer right away she continued on nervously, "While at twenty-seven we usually just stayed in our own jurisdiction during lunch, never made it over to this side of town much." She gave an uncomfortable laugh.

Meanwhile, Sam was looking at her like she asked him what the chemical makeup of plutonium was. (He really, really shouldn't have come today. Andy's presence alone was doing strange things to him – he was finding it a little hard to breathe.)

Always the diplomat, Traci jumped in with how great the salads were. And Andy, seeing her chance to play nice, suggested that the cheeseburgers were also excellent. (Plus it wouldn't hurt for the chick to gain a little weight.)

Sam, having recovered enough to realize he was being an ass, looked to Lindsey and said pretty much everything on the menu was great and this was one of their favorite places (he colored a little at _their_ and looked back down at his menu).

Lindsey smiled at him then turned her attention to Andy.

"So Andy, Traci said you just got back from an under-cover assignment. That must have been so cool, I would love to do something like that one day."

Lindsey missed Sam's eye-roll - but Andy didn't.

She gritted her teeth and looked right at Sam "It was amazing - I really learned a lot. But if you're interested in under-cover work you're sitting next to a bona-fide savant."

Andy could tell Sam wasn't in a great mood, but her plan to show Lindsey just how grouchy he could be quickly backfired.

He smiled sweetly at Andy - then turned his full attention to Lindsey.

"If you're really interested in undercover work, I'd be more than happy to sit down and talk with you about it sometime." He threw his dimples in for good measure.

Andy could actually see Lindsey melt under the famous Swarek grin. (She was getting a little hot herself.) She glared at Sam but he only looked over at her and quirked his eyebrow – _your move_.

Andy heard a low snicker from Traci, who was enjoying this entirely too much. Andy gave her a hard look and went back to her menu.

For the rest of the meal Sam was overly gracious and interested in anything Lindsey said, and she had a lot to say under all this attention.

Andy couldn't help but appraise the blonde. She had to admit she seemed to have a lot going for her. Petite frame – couldn't have been over 5'2 and hundred pounds soaking wet. Startling blue eyes, which never seemed to focus on anything but Sam. And of course she was blonde with wavy hair that fell just below her shoulders. (Blonde! She knows how much he loves blondes- Monica, plus two former girlfriends she had him describe, before he stopped after she made a joke about his hang-up on blondes – she let it go after he made a reference to Luke also being blonde.) She's pretty sure she's the only brunette he's ever dated.

Seriously, Sam's head is about to explode. What was it his grandmother used to say? _He cut off his nose to spite his face_. He was pissed at Andy and without thinking it through, decided he would try and piss her off by talking to Lindsey. The flaw of course being that he had to actually talk.

He also didn't realize how much Lindsey liked to talk (could give McNally a run for her money). He had lost his appetite, but was still thrilled when the food arrived just so he could stuff his mouth and end this charade. The food however, didn't seem to slow Lindsey down at all. Sam just kept nodding and cramming burger into his mouth.

He kept glancing up at Andy, who had the opposite problem of Lindsey at the moment, she hadn't said a word in the last fifteen minutes (not that she really had a chance). She kept her eyes on her plate picking at her salad. Sam had started to feel a little bad. Andy hadn't actually done anything to piss him off, (well not today) and he hates seeing that puppy-dog face on her, all big sad eyes.

He decides to try to make amends (at least as far as lunch goes)

"Hey um, you never said how the UC stint went."

It actually takes a minute for Andy to realize he's talking to her.

"Oh, uh…no, I mean yeah it went great…I mean fine. It went fine." She rolls her eyes herself this time. But looks up to find Sam smiling at her. She grins and looks back down, shaking her head. After all this time he can still turn her into a blabbering idiot.

Traci shakes her head and says she over-heard Frank say it was a very successful op and he was sure they would want to use Andy and Nick again.

Andy notices the way Sam's easy smile is quickly replaced by a scowl again.

"Well I'm not sure under-cover work is my thing." Sam looks back up "I mean it was a great learning experience but I just don't think I'm cut out for being away from my family and friends for that long. You know my dad's getting older… it just doesn't seem worth it to me. How much you have to give up." She looks up and meets Sam's eye.

He clears his throat, "Well it's not for everyone, depends on where you are in your life… what you really want out of it."

Sam and Andy continue to stare at one another until Lindsey interrupts.

"Well it sounds fascinating! I would really like to talk with you about it sometime – I mean if the offer's still open?" She smiles at Sam.

Andy smiles to herself, Sam actually looks like a deer caught in headlights. She stops smiling when he replies, "Yeah, sure."

Sam's phone rings toward the end of lunch and he literally jumps to answer it. Told whoever it was that he was on the way before they could have possibly had time to ask for anything. Threw some money on the table and said he had to go. Traci asked if she was needed but he mumbled he could handle it as he walked away.

Traci, Andy, and Lindsey finished up their lunch and headed back to the barn. Andy was never so happy to get back to the front desk – at least until she saw Nick grinning ear to ear.

"Soooo….how did lunch go?"

"Bite me!"

He just laughed and went back to his work.

The rest of the shift was spent assisting walk-ins wanting to file reports ranging from stolen bicycles to missing children. By the end, all Andy wanted to do was go home to her bad-smelling apartment and pass out. This was so not the day she had hoped it would be.

As she walked out of the locker room with her bag slung over her shoulder, she looked to her left and saw Sam sitting at his desk with his head bent over a file. He seemed to be alone and she was debating about going to talk to him.

She knew they needed to have a conversation but she wasn't sure where to begin. This day had left her more confused than anything. One minute he was smiling at her and seemed genuinely happy to see her and the next he was grumpy and snarling.

As she stood trying to make up her mind Dov came out of the locker room.

"Hey!" He grabbed her in a tight hug - his enthusiasm already beginning to lift her spirits.

"I'm on my way to the Penny to meet the guys. You wanna lift?"

"I think I'm going to skip the Penny tonight. Was a long day, I'm kinda wiped out."

"Andy! It's your first day back! You have to come!"

Andy wondered if Dov ever got tired? She never saw him when he wasn't running on a full charge, kinda like that energizer bunny.

Dov started dragging her toward the door before she could start resisting again.

As she was being pulled down the hall, she couldn't help but throw one last look in Sam's direction – only this time he was looking back.

If there was one thing that hadn't changed while she was gone it was the Penny. Still smoky and hazy, tables in the exact same spots, even had the exact same people in the exact same spots.

Chris was at a table in the back with a pitcher of beer waiting for them.

"Where are Gail and Traci?" Andy asked as she sat down. Looking around she spots Gail in the back with Nick, looking like they made up, or at least were in the process of making up.

Dov answers anyway, "Well, Gail's in the back re-enacting a scene from Alien by eating Nick's face off. And Traci doesn't make it by as much since she made detective.

"However!" He starts getting excited again, "I sent her a text saying we were celebrating your return and she promised to stop by as soon as she drops Leo off at his dads."

Andy smiled and looked at Chris.

"So what's new with you? Dov filled me in on all his achievements since I've been gone. High score in World of War-craft, high-speed pursuit, twins…"

Chris looked offended, "Oh, he did not…you know…the twins! He had a date with one of them and the other one showed up to return a movie while they were eating dinner."

"She stayed!"

"Yeah Dov, to eat with you, not….well not anything else."

"You weren't there, you don't know!"

"You told me!"

Andy held up her hands, "Okay guys…alright, anyway…Chris what's new with you?"

"Um…well…um."

Andy smiled – Chris did not do well with attention. Give him a guy with a gun and he knew exactly what to do, ask him a direct question and he… uh, um….

Lucky for him Traci picked that moment to sit down, looking around the table.

"Where's the beer?" Traci laughed as she reached for the pitcher. "Well this is kind of weird. First time it's been just the four of us in….I can't even remember how long." "Where's Gail….ah never mind." She smiled noticing Gail and Nick in the corner.

Andy was trying to decide if she should mention Lindsey or Sam. She hadn't really had a chance to talk to Traci alone except for the few minutes at the desk this morning. She took another long drink of beer.

"You didn't bring Lindsey?"

Traci raised an eyebrow and smiled, "Didn't know you wanted me to?"

"Well no…it's just you know, you're training her and I thought…well I don't know, maybe you were friends or whatever." God, she should have just kept her mouth shut.

But Traci just laughed. "She's a nice girl, but I spent all day with her. I'm good."

Andy let it go after that and just enjoyed hanging with her friends. She didn't realize how much she had missed this - it felt comfortable, familiar. In that little bit of time just talking and catching up, she was able to push her worries regarding Sam, aside for a while and relax, for what seemed like the first time in months.

Of course nothing last forever.

She knew the moment Sam walked through the door. It amazed her how she could always tell when he entered a room – had always been able to. It was like the air became charged or something. Trying to be subtle, she slowly turned in her chair, only to find herself staring right into his eyes. Maybe he was hyper-aware of her too.


	8. Cards on the table

Andy sat watching Sam nurse his Scotch at the bar all by himself. It reminded her of all the times when she was with Luke and he sat alone drinking. He always looked a little lonely and always a little sad.

There were times when she wanted to go up to him, offer something of herself just to let him know she was there for him, the way he was always there for her. But something had always held her back. Maybe it was Luke; but more likely it was fear.

Looking back, she can see so clearly why she chose Luke. He was the safe option, but not in the way people thought. He was safe because she knew he could never get close enough to hurt her, not really, not like Sam could. The only thing Luke ever really hurt was her pride.

But there was something about Sam from the very beginning. He had something deep within him that drew her in. Something indefinable that scared the hell out of her.

The night they first worked together she seriously considered going home with him, and she had never gone home with someone who was basically still a stranger. But she felt safe with Sam, even back then. She wasn't lying when she told him she wasn't scared because he was with her when they faced Anton Hill. There was something about him that made her want to trust him, and she did - with her life. It was her heart she was trying to protect by choosing Luke.

From that very first night there was a part of Andy that wanted Sam, a part that wanted to hand over her heart without another thought. That trusted him without fail; that was what terrified her. That he seemed to have the power to make her _want_ to open herself up to him, in a way she never had with anyone before.

When Andy made up her mind, she never left room for questions or doubt. And that night sitting with her friends, watching the man she loved drink by himself, she made up her mind that she was going to be honest with him about her feelings. She had to let him know that she loved him and had never stopped – that she never would stop.

As she left her table, without a word to anyone, and made her way over to Sam all the nervousness she had felt for the past six months disappeared. She felt at peace because she knew no matter what happened she loved him and she wouldn't give up on them.

Sam saw Andy approaching, and as much as he may want to deny it, he was here tonight because of her. He heard Dov pleading with her to go to the Penny, he watched as she looked back at him, as Dov was pulling her out the door.

His intent when he got into his truck was to go home and straight to bed, to forget this day. He seemed genuinely surprised when he pulled into the Penny's parking lot; apparently his subconscious had different ideas.

He wasn't sure why he was here except that he knew she was. Maybe it was as simple as that. He knew she didn't love him and yet her pull was as strong as ever. He honestly didn't know how to break the spell Andy had on him, if he did he would have done it a long time ago and saved them all a lot of pain and suffering.

Sam was tired. He was tired of trying to pretend everyday that he was okay with his life. That he didn't feel empty and alone every minute of every day. That the only cure seemed to be Andy McNally, although he was pretty sure she was part of the disease too.

He glanced to his left as she took a seat on the stool beside him. He wasn't sure what she wanted so he kept quiet and toyed with his drink. Her next words were more than a little surprising.

"I know it's been awhile but I was wondering if that offer for a drink was still good?"

Sam looked at her like she was crazy. He would have been less surprised if she had said she'd spent the last six months being probed by aliens.

He knows this moment is bigger than it seems right now. That she's not just asking for a drink. He doesn't know what to say because he's not sure what he wants. Well that's not true, he wants Andy. There's never been a time since she barreled into his life and knocked him on his ass that he hasn't wanted her. It's just that a lot has happened and they've both hurt each other so much that he's not sure how they can move past it.

He looks over to tell her he doesn't think that's a great idea, but he's caught off guard. Her whole face is open and hopeful, eyes shining. And she has a look that despite his reservations looks a lot like love.

He's really more confused than anything; maybe that's why he orders her a scotch. They each sit holding their drinks, both their minds occupied by the other.

"I missed you Sam." She says it so quietly he's not sure he heard her right, except that the look that accompanies the statement, is speaking loud and clear.

Sam clears his throat, which feels awfully tight all of a sudden. "I ah…" he looks over into her big brown eyes and feels he can breathe for the first time since before Jerry died. "I missed you too, Andy."

He's starting to think he's had too much to drink, even though he hasn't finished his first one. But he can't think of another reason why he just admitted that. He's angry with her; why in the hell does he have to keep reminding himself of that?

Andy has a sweet but sincere smile on her lips, the kind that's always knocked him off his feet, or at the very least his game. He's not sure exactly what is going on here but he's feeling a little shaky and knows that whatever it is he doesn't want an audience.

"It's getting kind of late, why don't I give you a ride home?"

Andy looks a little surprised but recovers quickly enough. "Sure, that would be great."

He pays for the drinks and they head for the parking lot. Sam notices the rookies watching as they leave but Andy seems oblivious to everyone but him. Just keeps smiling up at him like he's Santa Clause and she's an awestruck five-year old.

Sam opens the passenger door and Andy climbs in. She buckles up while he rounds the truck and hops in. The short ride to her condo is quiet, each lost in thought. By the time they get there Sam has decided that they should call it a night. There's a lot he needs to think about and if she keeps looking at him like this he's going to lose the ability to think at all.

But Andy seems to have other ideas.

"You wanna come up? Maybe we could talk for a bit."

Sam smiles, "I'm not sure that's a good idea tonight. It's late and you must be tired, your first day back and all. Maybe another night."

He watches her face fall before she cast her eyes down. She doesn't move right away, looks like she's trying to work out a puzzle or something. She seems to steel herself, and when she looks back up there's a new resolve in her eyes. She takes a deep breath and swallows before speaking.

"I love you Sam." She's breathing hard and fast but continues on, "I know you must think I left because I didn't but that's not true. I've never stopped loving you not for one second." She's looking at him like she's willing him to believe her.

Sam's at a loss for words, he feels like he just got the wind knocked out of him. He keeps staring at her, trying to comprehend everything she just said. Finally he settles on the one thing that still doesn't make sense.

"Then why did you leave me?" It's really the only thing he wants to know right now.

Andy gives a sad smile and sighs.

"Will you please come upstairs and I'll try to explain." He looks like he's not sure so she opens her door and gets out. Turns back to him, "Please Sam."

He turns and stares straight ahead while she waits for what feels like an eternity until he finally sighs and turns off the ignition and opens his door. She lets out a relieved breath.

As they walk into Andy's condo, Sam thinks how strange it feels. He hasn't been back here since before they broke up. It feels both foreign and familiar at once. Andy asks if he wants something to drink and he takes a beer. They sit at the counter with their drinks. He feels fidgety just sitting there so he gets up and starts to look around.

Andy can tell he's nervous. He always starts to pace when he's feeling ill at ease. She knows she's dumped a lot on him. But she made up her mind that wherever they go from here she's not hiding her feelings from him anymore. There won't be any more misunderstandings - at least not from lack of trying.

Sam interrupts her thoughts and asks to use her bathroom. She nods her head toward the bedroom and smiles sadly (there was a time he wouldn't have asked – she misses that).

She didn't really have a plan when she went up to him tonight, she just knew she wanted to lay her cards on the table. She's not sure why it was so important to do it tonight except that she feels they've wasted too much time already.

Andy knows without a doubt that Sam is the only man she wants to spend her life with and she's willing to work toward that at any speed he wants. She just needed him to know that she still loved him is all. She'll step back if that's what he wants, give him time to figure out what he wants from her - if anything.

Andy smiles as he returns from the bedroom…until she sees the tiny blue blanket with gray elephants, clutched in his hand.

"Why do you have a baby blanket, Andy?" He's got a smile on his lips, like he thinks there's a funny story to it.

Andy's mind is reeling, kicking out all kinds of excuses; baby-shower, neighbor's expecting – but she can't get any of the words to come out of her mouth. In the end it doesn't really matter, because her face has betrayed her, judging from the look that is taking over Sam's features right now.

All the color drains from him as he croaks out; "You're pregnant?" he sits down hard on the couch.

It takes a minute for Andy to realize what he must be thinking. God, could this get any worse?

"No! Sam, no I'm not pregnant."

He looks up, obvious relief flooding his face. He smiles again but just a little, the thought of her pregnant with someone else's child still too fresh in his mind.

"So what's with the blanket?" His voice sounds a little shaky to him.

She looks at him as tears start to blur her vision. She promised not to do this to him, but her body is betraying her at every turn.

Sam jumps up and comes to her, gripping her arms. Concern written all over his face.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He's starting to shake a little, whatever this is he's knows it's bad.

Andy takes a deep breath and looks him dead in the eye.

"I _was_ pregnant Sam. I found out the day after Jerry died."

Whatever he was expecting, it wasn't that. He looks like she just slapped him. He walks backwards and sits down again on the couch.

"I don't understand. Why didn't you tell me?" His voice sounds hollow even to him.

"I was waiting for the right time. Jerry had just….I wanted you to be in a better place when I told you. I knew it would be a shock, it was for me too."

Sam's twisting the baby blanket around and around in his hands.

"Okay…well don't you think I was in a better place when I told you I loved you?" He knows his voice is rising and he's pretty sure this is as close as he's ever gotten to hysteria.

But Andy just smiles sadly at him; her voice barely an empty whisper.

"Yes…but by then the baby was gone. By then I had lost…" She breaks off and hangs her head.

In all his life he's never seen anyone look as broken as she does right now. He feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. He can't even begin to comprehend the thought that they were going to have a baby much less losing it, but the one thing he does know without a doubt, is that Andy is blaming herself right now. Has spent the last six months blaming herself.

It doesn't take any thought on his part - no hesitation; no doubt…he goes straight to Andy and wraps his arms around her.

"Sweetheart, this isn't your fault. You know that right?" He lifts her chin to look into her eyes, but the answer is clear.

She doesn't say anything, just tilts her head back down and rest her forehead against his chest. He can feel how fast she's breathing so he pulls her tighter against him.

"Andy, why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't Sam, you had just lost Jerry. I didn't want you to lose anything else. There was no point in you having to suffer through this too."

"The point would have been to be there for you, to be there for each other. God, I hate that you went through this by yourself."

He feels her shrug against him and pulls her over to the couch. Wants to sit her down and try to get her to look at him, to listen to him.

"I love you, Andy. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I'm so used to doing things alone that when Jerry died I just reverted back to that, it's like second nature to me." He looks her in the eye, trying to get her to understand. "And that was wrong of me!"

He continues on, "But you were wrong too; not to tell me. I understand why you didn't want to. I know we weren't in a good place but Andy I told you I loved you before you left. Why didn't you tell me then?"

"It just didn't seem to matter by that point. I wasn't thinking straight either and…" she takes a deep breath. He can barely hear her when she says "I was afraid you would blame me for that…" she cuts herself off but he hears the rest of that sentence loud and clear in his head. **_For that too. Just like Jerry_.**

Sam shakes his head, how did things get this screwed up. How did he _let_ it get this screwed up? He lets out a deep sigh and wonders how he can fix it or if it can even be fixed?

"Andy" He keeps looking at her until she meets his gaze, "I don't blame you for Jerry; I never did. I blamed myself and as punishment I pushed you away. Look we've both made a lot of mistakes and maybe this is all on me. If I had handled things differently maybe this would never have happened. Or at least you wouldn't have had to be alone when it did."

He cradles her cheek with his hand and leans in close, "But no matter what has happened, we have to figure out a way to make peace with everything. All of it, Jerry and…" He swallows thickly, "and the baby. We need to move forward, and we need to do it together."

In all the years she's known Sam, she has never heard this many words come out of his mouth at one time. She looks into his eyes and sees no anger or blame in them. What she does see is love, which makes her want to cry, so instead she throws her arms around his neck.

She can tell he's caught off guard by the way he grunts out a breath, but feels his arms automatically wrap around and pull her close.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. This isn't all on you. I know I'm responsible too. I shouldn't have left and I should have told you I was pregnant when I first found out. At the very least I should have told you when I…when I… you know. And I do love you Sam, more than anything in the whole entire world!"

She knows she's rambling but she just wants him to know everything. She's tired of the misunderstandings and working at cross-purposes. They love each other and she knows they can make this work and she wants him to know she'll do whatever it takes.

He smiles; his first genuine smile since she's been back. He keeps her close to him, almost afraid to let her out of his grasp.

For the first time in six months he feels like he can breathe. Like a huge weight has been lifted. He knows they still have a lot to deal with and he hasn't really had an opportunity to even think of the child they lost but he knows they will be okay if they're together.

They'll grieve over what they've lost and move forward and if he has any say at all they will make a life together. She's all he's ever wanted, and he knows now without a doubt, that he doesn't really have a life without her. He pulls her even tighter and places a kiss against the top of her head, then bends down and places one on her lips. He feels more than hears her contented sigh.

Andy smiles through her tears as he kisses her. She feels secure for the first time in six months. She thinks back to all those times she imagined Sam's arms wrapped around her and knows she doesn't want to ever be away from him again. She wants a life with Sam. She wants babies with Sam. She wants them to build a life together.

She feels him shift a little and looks up at him. He has a concerned look as he starts to speak.

"Um…listen, I know we've both said a lot, and there's still a lot we need to talk about, but I have a question that's been weighing on my mind since we walked through your door tonight."

Andy looks up at him with a nervous smile. "Okay. You can asks me anything, you know that."

He still looks nervous and clears his throat. "Well um… I don't want to upset you anymore but I have to ask…_what the hell is that smell?"_

**A/N: Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. **


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